I finally got to watch the very talked about Oprah interview of Prince Harry, Duke of Sussex, and his wife Meghan Markle. Many revelations in the interview were extremely shocking to say the least, and have prompted many important conversations about racism and mental health. I personally couldn’t help but notice a few takeaways from the interview that are invaluable to anyone planning an upcoming wedding.
Plan an intimate wedding day moment just for you and your partner.
“Three days before our wedding, we got married.” “No one knows that, but we called the archbishop and we just said, ‘This thing, this spectacle is for the world, but we want our union between us.’”- Meghan Markle, Oprah interview
As someone who woke up at a God forsaken hour to watch Meghan and Harry’s nuptials (along with over 29 million other viewers), it came as a surprise to learn that the gorgeous spectacle wasn’t the real deal. Meghan revealed in the interview that they had actually gotten married three days before. But who can blame them? Their special day was heavily televised, meticulously planned, and extensively rehearsed for the world. The fact that they wanted to keep the moment they actually became husband and wife for themselves is beautiful. We are in the midst of a pandemic, and for many, elopements have become the new reality. But for those who are still having a wedding, you don’t have to secretly get married beforehand to experience that private and intimate moment with your partner.
One tradition that began exclusively as a Jewish ritual has been adapted into many different peoples weddings is the Yichud. The practice takes place right after the ceremony where the bride and groom would spend time in isolation, it used to be when they were expected to consummate their marriage in times of old. Nowadays many couples use this time, to take a breather, have a moment alone, a bite to eat, and some quiet before being thrust into mingling with their guests and being ‘on’ again. Regardless of the format or time of day, there is such a value in being intentional about taking time to pause and be alone with the person you are joining your life with. The day flies by and it can be overwhelming, to be just in the presence of your partner can help savor the moment and remind you what it’s really all for in the first place.
Don’t just plan for a Wedding, plan for a Marriage.
“I went into it naively. I didn’t grow up knowing much about the royal family. It wasn’t a part of the conversation at home. It wasn’t something that we followed.”- Meghan Markle, Oprah interview
What do me and my partner joining our lives together have anything to do with Meghan entering the royal family? Every family, even if you are from the same social or economic background has its own way of functioning, and many of these ways of being are carried on through you, through your partner. And although you may already have a sense of what it will mean to be a part of your partner’s family, it is important to investigate as a couple what it will look like.
Planning your upcoming wedding can easily become a full-time job. The endless amount of details to sort through, emotions to manage, and i’s to dot …is ALOT. Although it may feel like the most important job right now, it is temporary. One day you are seeing visions of twinkling lights and mini hors d’oeuvres in your dreams, the next you wake in the middle of the night in a cold sweat because you forgot to make a reservation payment for the food truck! Regardless of how all-consuming prepping for this one day may feel, it ends. Your wonderful day will be gone as quickly as it came and all you are left with is your spouse and your new reality. It is essential to set time aside to talk about and vision for the future family you create upon entering a marriage.
When me and my husband were wedding planning we spent a few hours a week (Saturday mornings over lactose-free cappuccinos and kimbap rolls) to discuss our future family. Together we went through a book titled ‘1001 questions to ask before you get married’ by Monica Mendez Leahy (I’m sure there are many other great books out there). We went chapter by chapter exploring questions, some I would have never thought of asking, with topics I didn’t even realize needed to be discussed. We learned a lot about how we differ from each other and how we were brought up. We discussed what parts of our upbringing we wanted to bring with us into our marriage and what we intended to do differently from our parents. It was extremely eye-opening, and although it was often emotional and tedious, it definitely paid off.
We also prepared for our marriage by having a weekly date night where talks of bridesmaid dresses and wedding day scheduling conflicts were forbidden. We desperately needed time to just be us, and enjoy each other’s company without wedding talk. This proved valuable when things felt like a mess, or when one of us got cold feet (it happens!) to center ourselves on who we were as a couple, and why we were getting married in the first place.
Weddings are a stressful time with emotions at an all-time high for everyone.
“The narrative with Kate, which didn’t happen, was really, really difficult and something that I think – that’s when everything changed, really.
The reverse happened. A few days before the wedding she was upset about something, pertaining to … the flower girl dresses, and it made me cry. And it really hurt my feelings.”
There wasn’t a confrontation and … I don’t think it’s fair to her to get into the details of that because she apologized, and I’ve forgiven her. What was hard to get over was being blamed for something that not only I didn’t do, but that happened to me.”-Meghan Markle, Oprah interview
I remember sitting in my parent’s kitchen and running through my wedding day with my mom and much to my dismay, she was upset almost right away. “You have to spend the night before your wedding day here and leave for your wedding from here” she insisted. But it complicated the schedule, my apartment was so close to hair, makeup, and the church. It’s a commonly held tradition in Portuguese culture for the bride to get ready at her parent’s house, getting dressed in her mother’s room taking pictures on the porch before setting off for the church. Although I had been a part of this tradition as a bridesmaid many times before, I never realized how important this was to my mom. Had I not taken the time to verbally run though my upcoming wedding day with my mom I never would have known that this was something that was important for her. It could have been a sore spot for her. It wasn’t something that wasn’t important to me and so I was happy to compromise. Getting ready at my parent’s house, having hair and makeup come to me and my bridesmaids ended up being so special. I got an opportunity to spend quality time with my family, bridesmaids and even pose for pictures with my beautiful late pup Mia in my wedding dress.
With that said, as a couple you need to sit down continuously throughout the wedding planning process to discuss and re-discuss, and re-discuss wedding day non-negotiables. There may be some points of contention that are not so easily solved, you need to remember your WHYS behind a non-negotiable and put up boundaries with friends and family members accordingly.
There is no foolproof way to avoid drama and people’s emotional responses on and before your wedding day. It is such a high-stress time, many people feel vulnerable and come in with expectations, some unspoken, some not even self-realized. Some relationships don’t survive this high-pressure season, because of previously unresolved issues and irreconcilable differences. But for a majority, it will happen, someone will be hurt and there may be tears. But if you focus on valuing relationships and what’s important, it will work itself out. Meghan goes on to explain Kate not only apologized but sent flowers after it all went down and that they worked it out. At least you probably don’t have to worry about your wedding planning squabbles being leaked to the press!
-Jen Furtado
